


The Orchard and the Soldier

by cdrlizziebean



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-05
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-23 05:03:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 11,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3755443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cdrlizziebean/pseuds/cdrlizziebean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spoilers: Vague reference to Citadel DLC, post ME3 Destroy Ending<br/>Summary: Recovering post war, Shepard find herself in the company of Kaidan’s mother and a few new faces at the family orchard. Shepard tries to figure out how to be normal again as she worries for Kaidan, and her crew, across the galaxy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1.1

PART ONE

1.1  
Shepard wasn’t dead. The filmy taste on her tongue and the constant beeping, pulsing through her brain like a festering wound, proved that. She could barely move, though. The ache across her shoulders was familiar but the twinge down her spine was new. Her eyes shifted beneath their lids, slowly tugging at the corners of her eyes until a crack of light separated them. She flinched. Her body complained against the sudden jerk and the beeping sped up only to drop back down to its annoying cadence.

Letting out her breath slowly, she tried to open her eyes again. Light burned as she fought against it; her eyes adjusting to a cracked white ceiling. She didn’t remember this. The room was too clean and bright and everything smelled of antiseptic. She blinked, trying to recall the sulfur and blood that once coated her tongue as she raised a shaky hand to shoot some time ago. Everything was a distant memory, etching into the inside of her eyelids but never going much farther. The Reapers were gone; she knew that. The ache in her bones creaked to a satisfied rhythm of accomplishment. The war was over. She didn’t have to rely on memory for that. The buzzing sound of a news program drifted in from the hall outside her room. Recovery. That’s where she was; what the universe was in.

She turned her head. Between her hospital bed and the ajar door was a small cabinet full of supplies, a tipped over waste basket, and wrinkled curtain plastered against the metal box keeping tabs on her heart beat. To the other side of her was a window, white curtain drawn and shifting to the air pushing out of the radiator beneath it. The room was smaller than she first assumed; the ceiling above her so high and bright.

She sighed. Okay, she thought—her own voice inside her head just a bit too loud. Pull yourself together. Twitching her fingers, she found strength in her arms again and moved to sit up. Her head swam with colors as blood rushed out. The monitor beeped wildly at her but she persisted, swinging one leg over the bed side and then the other. Settling on the edge, she examined her legs. Out from under the white sheet they didn’t look promising. Bruised and burned, the dark skin puckered with pale marks along bandages. She moved a hand across them, stopping to pick at a loose bandage that crumbled in her hand. They didn’t hurt—not like her spine or head—and they were healing.

Moving the blanket away, she examined the rest of herself. Her arms seemed fine. Faint scars could be seen along them but nothing too serious. She was healing—or had been healing—a process that could have taken weeks or…months. The monitor beside her beeped loudly as her heart leapt at the idea. She dropped to the ground, steadying herself on the bed rail. She needed to know what was going on. She needed to get out of there. She needed…

In the back of her mind flashed the Normandy, her crew…

She swallowed, feeling the thickness of her tongue mix with the staleness of her breath. The door creaked behind her.

“Oh, Commander.” Shepard looked up to see a small woman, dressed all in white and black hair tied up and out of her large eyes. “You shouldn’t be up…you shouldn’t even be awake,” the woman chattered on, moving to Shepard’s side and motioning her to get back into bed.  
Shepard shook her head, pushing at the woman to step away. “No, I need…” As she took in her next breath, the room spun and she reluctantly sat back down on the bed.

“Doctor Cole?” the woman called. Shepard winced at the sound.

Maker did she hate hospitals.

With a clattering of footsteps and the door being shoved wide open, Doctor Cole entered, brashly. His dark eyes scanned Shepard over and his hands twitched at his sides. 

“Commander,” he sighed, stepping forward.

“Doctor,” Shepard breathed, closing her eyes for a moment before focusing her attention back on him. Her spine was protesting her posture and her head was a bit too heavy.

“Seems you’re a bit eager this morning,” he breathed, motioning to the small woman to get him the datapad sitting on the cabinet. He looked Shepard over with a smile. “How are you feeling?”

“A bit disorientated…what’s going on?” She swallowed again. Her voice was weak; mouth not used to being moved so much. “Where am I?”

Doctor Cole grabbed the datapad from the nurse, looking over Shepard’s vitals before answering. “You’re at the Harborview Medical Center.” He looked up. “In Seattle. Can you follow my finger?”

He began a few simple tests which Shepard grudgingly participated in as she thought. Seattle? She was far from London, far from the devastation of the final attack.

“How’s the rebuild?” she muttered, wincing as he checked a cut across her cheek.

“We’re definitely resilient,” he joked. He moved across the room and removed a stack of bandages from the cabinet.

Shepard sucked in a breath between her teeth. She had to ask but she was afraid of the answer. She wrinkled her nose as she cleared her throat. The skin across her cheek tightened. “How…how long have I been out?” she whispered, voice light and trembling.

Laying the bandages out beside her, Doctor Cole sighed. “I’d say, since we received you, about nine and a half months but probably a little bit longer. You were in critical condition when we got you. I’m glad we got to you when we did. I don’t think you would’ve made it much longer without proper medical attention.”

She blinked; heart pounding in her chest and monitor beeping its unforgivable cadence. Had it been that long? She dropped her head into her hands; tears pricking the corner of her eyes. It couldn’t have been that long.

But it had been and she was scared of what had changed.


	2. 1.2

1.2  
At least it hadn’t been two years. Sitting in the sunroom of the hospital, she watched shuttles fly by on determined missions. The skyline was still crumbling, most buildings darkened and empty, but some buildings shown bright with open windows and flickering lights. People were moving back in. People were finding peace in the aftermath—at least for the most part. Nearly a year and the universe was pulling itself back together, little by little.

She picked at the thin fabric of her gown. The sun bouncing of the faded scars of her arms. She was getting her color back, the vibrancy of her skin that she had lost to feeding tubes and IVs. The nurses even smiled at her progress. She was a fighter and, just like the skyline before her, she was recovering, but her eyes were still hollow looking back at her from the window’s reflection. The cut on her cheek deeper than the rest. She peeled off the bandage every morning, not wanting to lose this scar like she had so many others. She needed something to remind her that it had all been real, that when she hit the beam she had done something good.

They hadn’t rebuilt her. She had been alive, but weak, since the day she entered the hospital. She was one hundred percent Alexandra Nicole Shepard, a fighter since birth and a product of Earth’s streets.

And she had to keep fighting. She closed her eyes a moment taking in the sounds around her. Report after report buzzed across the ‘net condemning her every action.

 

_What really happened in the final fight?_  
Information has been released that the man in charge of Cerberus, an anti-alien group and former employer of Shepard, may have been with the Commander at the final push.  
Did she do what was right for the universe, for humanity, or just for herself?  
Was it really Shepard out there? Rumors circulate that a clone might have been put in place by Cerberus.  
More on that report at ten. 

 

She swallowed, hands shaking in anger. She was real. She did what was right. She—  
“Commander,” the nurse whispered, breaking Alexandra’s attention. Letting out her anger in one slow breath, she smiled up at the small woman who returned it. “You have a visitor.”

Alexandra blinked. “A visitor?” Her voice was a rasping whisper and her tongue felt too thick. There was no one on Earth for her. Everyone she knew, loved, was up in space waiting for the relays to be brought back online. She hadn’t talked to them yet. She was too afraid of seeing their faces on the QEC and breaking down. She couldn’t let Kaidan see her that way, not after everything.

She stood from her chair, legs shaking a moment before she gained control again. The nurse motioned for a woman to step forward. She was thin, tall, with short black hair curling about her ears and threads of grey weaving in between. She smiled at Shepard, light green eyes wrinkling.

“Afternoon, Alexandra,” the woman politely responded, the wrinkles around her mouth contorting as she spoke. “I’m glad to see you’re well.” Alexandra blinked, searching the woman’s eyes. There was no doubt the woman was happy to see her. Her eyes were kind and soft and somehow familiar.

“Afternoon,” Alexandra whispered back, stepping forward. She raised her hand to shake but the older woman shook her head.

“No need to be so formal, dear.” The woman reached out, cupping Alexandra’s had firmly between her warm fingers. “I’m Maya, Maya Alenko. You might know my son.” The woman smiled brightly and Alexandra couldn’t help but return it.

“It’s a possibility,” she said, tears filling the corner of her eyes as she smiled.

Maya chuckled. “You’re prettier in person.” Alexandra blushed unable to figure out what to exactly do. She was standing in front of Kaidan’s mother. She had so many questions. What was he like as a kid? Had she spoken with him since the end of the war? If there was any news about Kaidan’s father…

She swallowed making eye contact again. “Thank you.”

Maya nodded. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Alexandra frowned. Most of what people heard about her now adays were smear campaigns flounced by angry, displaced reporters hoping for more closure than what Alexandra could give them. They wanted answers she didn’t have. She barely remembered anything after the beam. The Citadel was cold, dark, damp, and smelt of death. What happened there, in the shifting of the metal city, was not something she wanted to remember.

“Nothing good I assume,” she muttered, motioning to the muted television on the wall.

Maya smiled, the same sort of smile she had seen on Kaidan and her heart dropped. “Eh. I’m not a huge fan of television programs. They always hunt for ratings.” Alexandra chuckled. Maya turned to the nurse. “Would it be alright if the Commander and I spent a few moments alone?”

The nurse responded with a smile and left.

Alexandra listened for the nurse’s padded footfalls as she moved down the corridor and out of earshot. She let out her breath slowly and smiled up at Maya. She could still feel the tears in the corner of her eyes. She couldn’t rightly place if they were there out of happiness to see Kaidan’s mother or regret that she couldn’t have brought Kaidan back home. “So…how have things been?” she asked sheepishly, twisting her hands in the hem of her shirt.

“As good as one can expect,” Mrs. Alenko responded briskly, moving to look out the window. “Seattle is coming along well don’t you think?”

She looked over at Alexandra who stepped up beside her, nodding slowly.

“I’m glad I came down. Bit of a trip from the orchard but I think my boy would be highly disappointed if I didn’t come see you.”

Alexandra smiled. “Have you talked to him since…”

“No,” Maya sighed, shaking her head. “Haven’t gotten to a post in a while, governmental lock down on a lot of the communications.” She paused, crossing her arms and training her eyes on something in the distance. “Have you?”

Shepard swallowed, gently running a hand across the glass, outlining the shape of the skyline. “No…guess I’ve been too afraid to….”

Moving closer, the older woman placed a hand on Alexandra’s shoulder. “Darling…” Mrs. Alenko’s voice was soft and comforting. She had the same ease as Kaidan. “…they miss you. I can guarantee it.” Alexandra blinked and felt a tear trickle down her cheek.

“I know, but—”

“No, buts. Tomorrow I expect you to contact them. I’m going to see if I can sneak in myself tonight, but I’m sure the Alliance will allow the hero of the galaxy one call to her crew.” With a nod, Shepard wiped away her tear and blinked out at the skyline. Maya moved her hand to Alexandra’s chin and pulled it towards her. “Being cooped up in here is doing dastardly things to your mind, child.”

Alexandra snorted. “I have nowhere else to go. I’m staying in one of the refugee rooms and trying to stay out of the way…not much help with the nurses and have no need for them to watch me.” Shepard’s voice dropped. “I’m stuck…bruised and stuck.”

Maya hummed. “We’ll see about that.” She patted the Commander on the shoulder and turned to leave. “Tomorrow, talk to them, alright? I’ll see you again in the afternoon…we’ll do lunch.” And with a flick of her wrist and a gentle smile, Mrs. Maya Alenko exited the room, leaving Alexandra a bit confused but grinning like a fool.


	3. 1.3

1.3  
She couldn’t stop staring at the holo before her as it flickered the connection. All she had to do was press one button and she would be through to the Normandy. No waiting, no questions. They were on the other side of a button. Her hand hovered over the blinking square, fingers twitching and heart beating in her ears. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and tapped her finger against the cool key. The air turned to static, melding with a low buzz before a crack of noise across the speaker.

“Shepard, damn I didn’t think you’d be calling,” the familiar voice of Jeff Moreau hummed over the comm. Alexandra opened her eyes to his smiling face: his scruff had turned into a beard, his hat propped higher on his forehead, and an empty seat next to him in the cockpit.  
She allowed for a small smile to form across her lips but she knew it was her fault the seat was empty. “Hey, Joker.” Her voice was soft and distant; it was a miracle that she could be heard over the line. “Been a long time.”

“Yeah it has. A year, Commander. A long ass year.”

There was a pause.

“I’m sorry.”

“You should be,” he quipped. “At least this time we knew you were alive.” His chuckle resonated in her ear a moment and her heart laid heavy in her chest. She looked down at her hands. “When we got news you had woken up it was the best news we’d heard in a while. Definitely made a certain Major more determined to find a way back.”

Alexandra looked up. “How is he?”

“Figured that’d perk you up. He’s doing alright. We’re at port because of him.”

“Oh?” Alexandra’s brow creased and her eyes searched the holo of her friend as if she’d be able to find the answer in the flickering blue image.

“He, Liara, and Tali are off talking to some salarians about the relays. They’ve been working hard…we all have.” Joker paused, a new train of thought crossing his mind and registering on his face in small slips of his smile. Alexandra was afraid of what he was thinking. EDI was gone. He was alone. And it was her fault.

“Joker…I…I’m sorry.” The words tumbled out of her mouth and crashed together along the way. The holo of his eyes flicked up to hers and, though others would blame the weak connection of the system, she saw the emptiness reflecting in them. He smiled again, more gently now.

“It’s not your fault, Al,” he returned, informally. His voice was cracking just a bit. “You did what you had to do. You did what was right.”

“…right.” The word seemed foreign, coming off her tongue in a shredded syllable, cutting across her lips. It was stuck between an agreement and a repetition of the last word he uttered. The news was good at telling the world what she did wasn’t the best thing she could have done. It was good at making her question her actions. When the war raged around her, overshadowing every comment with another bellowing attack, she could easily brush away the panic and the regret. She was a soldier; she had to fight—now she had nothing to fight.

“He’ll be back soon.”

“Yeah…I…” She didn’t know if she was ready to see him yet. She looked back at the door; beyond was the hospital, the refugees, the crumbling skyline of Seattle. Wherever her crew was, it wasn’t here, and she hated not seeing them in person.

“Hey, Shepard,” the gravelly sound of Garrus’ voice shook her back into reality. “See you’ve gotten a bit beat up around the face, not trying to copy me are you?” He chuckled as he came onto the holo. She smiled.

“Nawh, don’t think I could take a rocket to the face.”

“Glad you admit I’m better than you.”

She narrowed her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. “I wouldn’t say that. I just prefer not to be ugly.”

“Oh, she got you, Vakarian,” Joker laughed. Garrus just shook his head.

“I—”  
The door behind her swung open. She turned to a nurse, lips pursed tight. “It’s time to go,” she uttered. “Others need the comms.”

Alexandra nodded, looking back at her friends. “I guess I should go.” Joker’s lip twitched into a smile at that old line. “I’ll be seeing you, yeah?”

“You bet, Shepard,” Joker returned, tapping his hat. She waved her hand across the holo.

“Tell Kaidan…tell him—”

“I know. I will,” he whispered. Garrus nodded and the holo flickered off.

Shaking, Alexandra stepped away from the comms. She didn’t know if it had been better that she’d missed him but her heart hurt even more knowing he was out there, fighting to get back, and she was stuck in a hospital helping no one.


	4. 1.4

1.4  
She tapped out a rhythm on the table top, trying to distract herself from thinking. The cadence followed the footsteps of nurses as they rushed by and the swishing of doors opening and closing and it did nothing to stop her thoughts. She wondered how the conversations on the relay were going. She wondered how Kaidan was, in charge, moving about the Normandy with his eyes trained on a datapad trying to figure things out. She wondered if he slept enough; if he slept at all those first few months. She wondered if he forgave her…for leaving him like that. Her mind tried to remember how he held her that night before everything—his hands moved down her body, cupping at her breast before rushing down between her thighs—before moving back to the thought of his face, brow creased with worry and concentration.

Alexandra needed to stop thinking but she couldn’t. She took a deep breath, flattening her hand across the table top.

“You don’t look so good. Are you alright, dear?” Mrs. Alenko’s voice slipped in, clearing Alexandra’s mind and soothing the ache in her spine.

“I…” She shook her head, turning to the older woman. “No, I’m fine.” She gestured to the seat across from her. “Please, sit. I’m glad you’re here.”

Maya laughed. “I said I was going to be. Now, have you spoken to your crew?” She crossed over and sat down with ease, placing a bag on the table between them. Tipping over the bag, she shuffled through the contents, searching and organizing. “Hmm?”

Blinking, Alexandra responded with a nod.

“Good. And my boy?”

“He was away working on the relays,” Alexandra responded, eying the bag carefully.

“For shame,” Maya quipped, a smile splitting across her lips. She looked up at Alexandra, eyes glittering mischievously. “You’ll have to make sure to catch him next time.”

“Definitely,” Alexandra returned, a small smile gracing her lips. Mrs. Alenko dipped her head, continuing her organization of the items in the bag. Shepard blinked at the older woman, confused by the determination to right everything in the bag. It wasn’t small. It was the size of a briefcase, shimmering blue with a thin handle. “May I ask what you’re doing?”

Maya stopped, slipping her hands out from inside the bag and looking back up at Alexandra. “How much longer do you have to be here, hmm?”

“I…um…well technically I’m free to go. I just have nowhere to go,” Alexandra responded, dropping her head.

“That’s what I thought. Admiral Hackett is an old friend of the family and—”

“Really? I didn’t know.”

Chuckling, Maya continued, “Of course not dear. We all have our little secrets…where was I, oh yes, and he told me that you had healed up quite well for what had happened. So I decided to come down here and steal you away.” Mrs. Alenko’s face split into a large smile, eyes twinkling again. Alexandra smiled back unsure what to do exactly. This woman barely knew her: Commander Shepard was just a story to her; a story explained a million different ways by a million different people.

“You don’t hav—”

“I do. I don’t think my son would forgive me if I left you in here. That’s why I came down. He didn’t exactly say that’s what he wanted the last time we talked but…let’s just say he talked less about how fixing the relays would help the galaxy and more about how it would get everyone back to you.” Maya smiled, the hint of knowing behind her eyes. Alexandra looked down, a strand of brown hair curled before her eyes. She watched the hairs swing, tickling her nose, before looking back up.

“Thank you.”

“Oh, no don’t thank me. I need someone to help with the orchard. Nothing’s for free,” she teased with a wink. “Now.” Maya dug into the bag and pulled out a red blouse and blue jeans. “I had to guess your size but I’m usually a good guess.”

Alexandra took the clothes in her hands and promptly stood. She wondered if this was what a family really felt like. She never had the chance to properly know. She had the Normandy but that never felt grounded. She was always afraid it would disappear. It did once…when she died. But now the way Mrs. Alenko watched her as she left to get changed, she knew that there was no way she was going to allow this to disappear.


	5. 1.5

1.5  
Mrs. Alenko did have a good eye. The blouse slipped over Alexandra’s shoulders with ease and felt cool against her skin as she exited the bathroom and out into the main hall of the hospital. This was the last time she’d see this place, she was sure of it. The old woman shaking in her chair as she knitted and the young man, burned from the war, healing by the window would no longer be her companions. It was sad to admit she’d miss them but she would. She was glad to leave, there was no doubt about that, but she had grown accustomed to the steady rhythm of the hospital, the flow of nurses and doctors, the hum of the world slowly coming awake from a long slumber.

She met Maya in the front waiting room, emptier than when she had first awakened. People were leaving, finding their way back home. She had thought for weeks that her home was stuck in a four by nine room in the back of the hospital but now she had somewhere else to go. She stood taller, clipped her hair back in a bun like the good old days, and marched to the door.

The buzz and click of a camera stopped her; another soon followed, and another on its heels. She blinked out into the crowd standing outside the hospital doors. A murmur sprung from the back, rising amongst the journalists until it was a dull roar against her ears. The door closed behind her and the crowd moved in.

“Commander, what is your opinion on the rumors you have a clone? Is there any chance that Cerberus has other tricks up their sleeve?”

“Shepard, is it true you were the cause of the geth genocide?”

“Are the rumors true?”

“Commander? Do you have a comment?”

“Commander?”

Commander?

She had never been afraid of reporters. She held her own against the ambush of questions all these years but today—today was a different day. Her body tightened with panic and her mouth lined with a film of bile. She didn’t want to answer these questions. She didn’t have an answer. Before, when anything was asked of her she knew, she had an answer for everything; not because she really did, but she had the confidence she did. Now she didn’t even know if what had happened at the beam was real. She barely knew if she was real.

She took a half step back. A small hand pressed against her back, warm and strong. She turned. Maya stood beside her smiling. Come now, she mouthed, looking back into the crowd of reporters. “Excuse me,” Mrs. Alenko began sternly, drawing the attention of every reporter. “If you don’t mind we have a long trip ahead of us. We’ll put out a statement sometime in the future.” She waved her hand at the reporters and stepped forward. The cameras parted. Alexandra followed.

“And who are you?” one of the reporters asked, miffed and angry.

Maya raised an eyebrow at the young man beside his camera. “Do some research and you might be able to figure it out.” She moved on, beckoning Alexandra to follow. Shepard chuckled, the bile settling and her body relaxing. She definitely didn’t know what to do with this woman, but she knew that she was in for an adventure.


	6. 2.1

2.1  
Alexandra had slept fitfully for weeks. Nothing felt more like death than closing her eyes but this time, as the car moved through the streets, around the cracked walkways and toppled buildings, above the off-white tarps and construction vehicles, she fell into a deep slumber.  
She dreamed again. She hadn’t dreamed in a lifetime. And even after all this time, she knew this dream. She knew the tangled, strangled feeling in the air. How a forest never ended and everything around her burned. She couldn’t find that link anymore, the boy that haunted the dreams were gone. She was utterly alone. There was a distant buzz, like the sound of an engine staying idle. The ground below her shifted and she stepped back trying to keep from sinking. Her dreams were different now—the same but ever changing. The world was crumbling.

“Shepard you did this.” The voice above her was familiar but too distant to remember. “This is your fault. You killed us. Your selfishness killed us. You killed us all.”

She opened her mouth to respond but it felt as if a net was cast between her lips, threading a web and not allowing a word to escape. She closed her mouth, blinking. There was nothing she could do. The forest around her dark and ominous. Sighing, she took a step forward. The ground beneath her shook and she lost her footing. She stumbled back, the air around her thick, pulling her back. She opened her mouth to scream, her tongue caught against the soft palate and she nearly choked as she hit the ground.

 

Her eyes snapped open, her body leaning forward in her seat. Light filtered in through the windows and birds sang in the distance, drawing nearer with every chirp and whistle. She blinked, adjusting herself back into reality. She didn’t know if she liked being able to sleep again if these were the type of dreams she had. She preferred not dreaming at all to the emptiness her mind had found itself in.

“Are you alright?” Maya asked, resting a hand on Alexandra’s shoulder. “I just meant to wake you not startle you.”

“No, it wasn’t you. I just don’t sleep well nowadays,” Alexandra murmured, looking up at Maya’s bright face. The older woman smiled weakly at her, knowing there was something else there that Alexandra wasn’t saying. Looking back down, Shepard picked at the hem of her shirt, straightening it against her stomach.

Mrs. Alenko hummed in response, letting her hand slip. “We’ve arrived,” she added quietly, shifting out of her seat. Alexandra looked up. The sky was clear; sun shining on a bright green lawn sprawling out from the drive to a house, a two story Victorian style with classic red shutters over white paneled siding. She took everything in with faint surprise. Living on the streets of Chicago, she wasn’t used to the fanciful. She knew old apartments, brick with rusting fire escapes. Centuries could pass and those buildings would look the same, like a dying sigh, but this house looked bright, clean, hopeful. Alexandra stepped out of the car, stumbling forward half a step. Maya chuckled at her; she flushed bright red.

“Come on, I’d like to show you to your room before dinner.” The warmth of Mrs. Alenko’s smile melted away any wariness, any embarrassment, any unsettled feelings of the unknown. That smile she knew, it was Kaidan’s on a thinner, older face. She missed him more than she wanted to admit but she was going to make the best of this.

They moved to the door. Mrs. Alenko twisted the key hard, a quiet click followed by a loud thud radiated from the door. Maya shook her head but turned the knob without any hesitation.  
The door creaked open to a darkened living room. Mrs. Alenko gestured for her to move forward and Shepard stepped in, taking in the layout. Two love seats, the color of a late autumn wheat harvest, sat angled towards a large fireplace, a coffee table stacked tall with books, and a rug, the color of blueberries and fraying at the ends. Maya flicked on the lights, letting the two small lamps fill the room with an amber glow.

“It’s lovely,” Alexandra breathed. She traced her fingers along the back of one of the love seats, feeling the soft plush fabric rub her finger numb.

“Thank you,” Maya responded, her face shadowed by thought. She pursed her lips and looked through the arched doorway at the back of the room. “Alright, you two, come out. I know you’re in there. I heard you,” she called. Alexandra looked around, straining to see around the corner and into the darkened hall.

“It was all Murry’s idea,” came a small voice, bright and giggly.

“Oh, sell an old man out, would ya,” followed another, bristly and deep.

Maya laughed, turning to Alexandra. “These two have been trying to plan a surprise ever since I decided to go get you.” She rolled her eyes back at the hall. “And, you’d think two days without me, they’d have a better surprise.”

“Murry ate the cake!”

“You call that a cake. It was a muffin with lemon frosting.”

A snarl was returned in the distance, followed by a distinct laugh and rumbling cough.

Alexandra snorted, covering her mouth before she could snort again. Footsteps creaked down the hall and towards them. An old man, hair grey tangled in a mess atop his head and mustache sharply cut across his lip like a broom, stumbled into the low light of the living room.

“We just wanted to welcome ya properly,” he muttered, light eyes twinkling, “but we aren’t so good at surprises.”

Maya smiled. “This is Murry Corban.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Corban.”

“Please, it’s Murry,” the old man chuckled, thrusting his hand towards Alexandra who took it with a smile. “Strong hands. Wouldn’t expect anything else from the great Commander.”

“No need to call me that…Alexandra’s fine.” Murry bowed his head, nodding.

“And the little one who’s still hiding is Irena,” Mrs. Alenko continued. “I’d introduce her properly if she’d just come out here.”

“In. A. Minute,” Irena shouted from down the hall. There was a thud, a crash, and then hurdling of small feet down the hall like a herd of elephants charging. A little girl about the age of seven stood in the door frame, straw colored hair plastered against her damp forehead and hands hidden behind her back. She reminded her of one of the girls she met with the Reds: small round face, murky brown eyes that twinkled despite themselves and a smile punched out in two places. Her hair was thin and long, cut about her shoulders but tied back in two unraveling braids. She was energetic, twitching before Alexandra.

“Hi!” she shouted, voice cracking. Mrs. Alenko shushed her and the little girl repeated, much more quietly now, “hi…”

“Hi,” Alexandra returned.

“These two have been helping out in the orchard. They lost their home in the war and I was ever so happy to give them a place to stay.”

“Aye, Missus Maya’s been a dear,” Murry coughed out, patting his chest. Alexandra nodded.

“Well, it’s definitely a pleasure to meet you both,” she said with a smile, looking over Irena who rocked back and forth on her heels in excitement.

“Good, now close your eyes,” the little girl commanded.

Maya laughed. “Alright, Irena, no tricks.”

The little girl shook her head, eyebrows crushing together with determination. “Close your eyes,” she repeated and her voice cracked again. Alexandra smiled, closing her eyes. “Good now hands out.” Alexandra obliged. Something smooth and heavy settled in her hands. “You can open now.”

Looking down, Shepard turned over the item in her hand: a bright, rich red fruit shining in the lamp light. “An apple?”

“Yeah, the first one of the season and I got to pick it,” Irena exclaimed triumphantly. Shepard tossed the apple in the air and caught it, observing it carefully. “Go ahead, eat it!”

Alexandra licked her lips, dramatically brought the apple to her mouth, and bit into the ripe, fresh fruit. Her mouth filled with juice, overflowing and dribbling down her chin. Irena laughed, clapping.

Alexandra chewed slowly, watching Irena dance between Murry and Maya, brown eyes glittering with excitement. Shepard had never had such a warm welcome as she did today.


	7. 2.2

2.2  
“We have to start getting them apples in tomorrow. We don’t have the usual group to help us so you’re going to have to pitch in, you know,” Irena claimed, pushing the bowl of mashed potatoes over to Murry who scooped another helping onto his plate.

“Irena, what did I say about bossing people?” Maya chided.

“But she has to. Otherwise it’s no fun,” Irena pouted.

Over the course of the evening, Alexandra had learned a few things about the loquacious Irena and her older companion. Irena was Murry’s sixth and youngest granddaughter. Both her parents had enlisted in the Alliance and had been shipped out more times than Irena could count. She’d lived with her grandfather in a small Montana town before the war. They sold flowers and antique furniture and had been on a delivery to Vancouver when the Reapers attacked. They holed up in a bar about two miles south of the orchard for three weeks before finally making the journey to the Alenko property. They traded work for room and board and, not so surprisingly, stayed longer than they had first intended. And, it was more than likely, Irena’s parents were both dead, and had died long before Shepard had made it back to Earth, but don’t ask Irena that. From her accounts, her parents were still fighting the bad guys up in space.

“I’d love to help,” Alexandra said, moving the peas from one side of her plate to the other with her spoon. “I might as well. No use sitting around.”

“See, it’s a perfect idea,” Irena bubbled, bouncing up and down in her seat.

Maya sighed, “Alright. Tomorrow about eight, we’ll be heading out. I’ll see if I can find you something to wear for it.” Alexandra nodded, looking down at her plate.

“I’ll teach ya how to pick properly,” Murry decided only to be frowned at by Irena as she chewed her peas.

“No, I will teach her. You don’t do it right anyway,” the little girl exclaimed, already acting like a veteran of the trade.

“I don’t, eh?” Murry leaned towards Irena and shifted his fingers against her ribs. She jumped, giggling. “I think I’m the best damned picker on this side of the Rockies.” Irena shook her head. Murry jabbed her lightly again and she burst into laughter.

Alexandra smiled. She hadn’t realized how much she missed laughter. She hadn’t realized how much she had missed genuine happiness.

“Enough, you two. Isn’t it almost a certain munchkin’s bedtime?”

Irena groaned, settling her fork back on her nearly empty plate.

“What if I was still hungry?”

“Are you?”  
The little girl paused. “No.” She slid off her seat, stomped around the table, and stopped at Alexandra’s chair. “Night!” she exclaimed, burying her face into Alexandra’s side. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, bright and early!” Irena shouted more than she should but that was her charm. Every word out of her mouth was determined, excited, and took notice.

“Night,” Alexandra returned, lowering her arms around the little girl. Irena sighed against her, sniffing, before she pulled back and slipped out the door.

“She’s a rambunctious one,” Maya murmured.

“Nawh, she’s just right. Sort of reminds me of what I was like as a kid…always determined…”

“That’s definitely a word for it: determined.”

Murry chuckled at the comment. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

Alexandra looked up, making eye contact with the older man. “Neither would I,” she agreed, a smile dancing across her lips.


	8. 2.3

2.3  
Staring at the ceiling, she listened to the click of time passing. It was the same cadence from the hospital; deeper but in the end the same. The wind picked up outside her window, leaves brushing against the panel as they wistfully passed. She took in a deep breath, enjoying the aroma of honeysuckle and cinnamon. She wondered if this was what Kaidan woke up to in the late August—visiting his father’s family to help with the apple harvest. Alexandra had passed by his old room when Mrs. Alenko led her down the hall to the remaining guest room. She could still feel him in there, like a whisper, but she knew better than to ask to see it.

But now it was four in the morning and she had barely slept. The room was too quiet and her mind too full and there was no way she’d be able to properly contain herself in the morning if she had to pass that damned door again. She was itching to see his room, to know what a young Kaidan kept secret under his mattress. She twisted in the sheets, letting one leg drop to the floor and then another until she had no choice but to sit up. The floorboards creaked under her as she moved around the bed, out the door, and down the hall.

Her hand hesitated over the door knob, shaking and unsure. There was no reason to worry. No one was up; the house was silent and collectively sighed to the rhythm of the wind outside. She took in a deep breath, straightening her back, and turned the knob.

The door swung open to a cluttered room: walls covered in obscure posters with names of old movies like War of the Worlds, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, photos of people she didn’t recognize and a dart board sitting above an empty laundry basket; the bed was made in a thin blue comforter fraying where it tucked into the bed frame; and a desk, covered in books, datapads, and a model spaceship sitting in a glass case atop it all.

She stepped forward onto the plush brown rug that spread out to the window, closed tightly shut with a faded curtain. The place didn’t look like anyone had touched it in years. She reached out for the bed, settling down on it. The frame squeaked in protest. She wondered when the last time he’d been in the room. He had gone to BaAt at a young age and after that…she doubted he actually came home, came back to a place like this, filled with so many memories. She smoothed her hand across the comforter, slowly lying down against the fabric. It smelt musty and old, nothing like the rest of the house which Mrs. Alenko kept pristine.  
Alexandra couldn’t help but close her eyes now; the room swallowing her whole. She could imagine him there for a moment, next to her. And for that moment, she didn’t dream. Not even once.


	9. 2.4

2.4  
“Pst.”

Alexandra groaned, shutting her eyes tighter as if to block out the sound.

“Pssssst.” The sound repeated like a tire letting out air. She felt her arm being pulled, let go, and then pulled again along with the sound repeating. “Psst!”

“What?” Alexandra breathed, letting her eyes flutter open. Before her, inches away, shone the large, brown eyes of Irena, underneath a matting of blonde hair. “Oh.” She slid back, pulling away in surprise. Irena took the opportunity to crawl onto the mattress with her, laying her head next to Alexandra’s on the pillow.

“Hi,” the girl whispered, smiling.

“Hi,” Alexandra responded. This seemed to be the way all their conversations started.

“What are you doing in here?” Irena asked, brow furrowing.

“I…I fell asleep.” She looked about her, the posters above the bed, peeling and crooked where the same as the night before. She hadn’t dreamed that part. She was definitely in Kaidan’s old bedroom. She settled her eyes back on Irena. “What are you doing in here?”

“Murry snores.” Irena wrinkled her nose and shifted on the bed to look up at the ceiling. “I’ve never been in here before,” she continued. “Missus Maya doesn’t really let me in here. Says I have sticking fingers, whatever that means.” Alexandra laughed. This kid was definitely like her, too much like her.

She swallowed. “I probably shouldn’t be in here either.”

Irena nodded slowly, her hair bunching up atop her head as it rubbed against the fabric. 

“Breakfast’ll be soon,” she judged before rolling off the bed. She jumped up, fixing her shirt, a buttoned up three sizes too big for her tucked into the hem of an old pair of shorts. “We should probably hurry or Murry’ll eat it all.” She exaggerated every word, clicking her tongue on the roof of her mouth. Irena spun on her heels, strode to the door, and swung it wide open. “Oh, Missus Maya got you new clothes for today. They’re on your real bed.” She giggled before taking off out the door.

Alexandra crawled out of bed, rubbing her eyes, before making her way back to the other room. On the bed was two shirts, one olive and the other an unbuttoned faded red that verged on pink, an orange bandanna, a worn braided belt, and a pair of shorts that looked a little too large for her. She slipped into the clothes, one shirt under the other. There was no way she could button the red shirt, four of the fasteners had fallen off long ago. She pushed up her sleeves, and with a sigh, moved to the kitchen.

Irena had saved her a seat next to her. Her blonde head bobbed to nonexistent music as she ate a piece of jellied toast; her eyes watching Murry’s hands carefully as he attempted to steal a piece of bacon or two.

“Looks like it’s gonna storm soon,” Murry announced, reaching out at Irena’s plate once again only to be slapped away. Alexandra looked out the window as she sat down.

“You got four pieces. You only get four pieces,” she cried. “Not my fault you eat really, really…” Irena took a deep breath. “…really, really fast.” She chopped down on her toast angrily.

“Morning.”

“Good morning,” Alexandra returned.

Maya turned from her place at the stove. “Not if the weather keeps heading where we think it is. If it rains, it’s gonna be a gully washer and we don’t have time for a flood.” She sighed, dropping four pieces of bacon on Alexandra’s plate.

She smirked. “Seems an Alenko trait to feed me bacon,” she laughed. “Thanks.”

“Eh, don’t care what my boy says. I taught him all he knows. He would have been lost as a kid without my fresh apple pies.”

Irena hummed in agreement. “I can’t wait to have those.” She bit down on her toast again. “I’ll eat them all up before Murry!” she shouted through a mouthful of bread.

“Hey, no more talking. We’re running behind. Eat up,” Mrs. Alenko chided, buttering a piece of toast.

Alexandra smiled at Irena’s slumping frame, grabbed one of the pieces of bacon, and prepared herself for a long day.


	10. 2.5

2.5  
It didn’t take long for her to fall into the swing of things. She picked apple after apple, row after row, day after day as the sky darkened and lightened above her. They had spent nearly two weeks working in the orchard. She spent most of her time in borrowed clothes, outfits that made Maya smile, Murry mutter something about being younger, and Irena giggle.

The little girl spent most of her time pointing out which basket was which and collected the apples that fell from the branches until she could do nothing but watch Alexandra work. Every time the little girl sighed, desperate for something to do, Shepard would drop another apple from the branch, muttering something between an oops and damn these trees. Irena would squeal, dodging under the ladder for the ripe fruit before skipping off to deposit it in one of the baskets.

“Miss Alexandra?” Irena piped up, near the end of the day. Alexandra stepped down from the ladder.

“You can just call me Alexandra…or Alex,” Shepard returned with a smile, correcting Irena for the hundredth time.

“Oh…” Irena’s voice fell, eyes searching the ground.

“Irena?” Alexandra raised her eyebrow.

The girl snapped to attention. She grinned, those teeth still visibly missing, but her eyes were still distant. She reached out, slapping Alexandra on the arm. Shepard winced at the contact. “You’re it!” she shouted before running off. Alexandra jumped to her feet, hot on the child’s heels.

“Irena!” The wind blew across her face, a storm brewing angrily in the distance. They only had a few more hours until a storm blew in. They danced between trees, past a lagoon at the far end of the orchard and into a throng of pine trees. The wind howled in the high branches of the trees. She weaved through them, Irena’s laughter echoing in the trees.

Alexandra’s chest tightened; her dreams clouding her mind, tongue growing thick. She didn’t need this now. There was no point in it. “Irena!” she cried, trying not to show the desperation in her voice. “Irena, where are you?”

The little girl jumped from the trees; Shepard stopped short, heart pounding in her chest. 

“Boo!” the girl shouted, giggling.

“There you are…” Shepard breathed, trying to slow down her heartbeat. She wiped a bead of sweat from her forehead, looking up at the sky. It was definitely going to rain and rain soon. Lightning cracked above them. “We should go back.”

“Awh…” Irena’s voice trailed off as she turned her head away. The braid on the back of her head a mess again. Alexandra could tell Murry wasn’t very good at fixing little girls’ hair but they never wanted outside help. They were sufficient. They could handle anything.

“What’s wrong?” Alexandra asked, watching Irena as she moved to the tree trunk, sliding down to sit.

“What’s space like?” Irena mumbled.

“What?”

“I…um…I wondered what space is like…momma and daddy never really talked about it. I didn’t see them much.”

“It’s big. Stars go on and on and on. They never stop.” Alexandra watched the girl’s head as she shifted her gaze back to her. Alexandra dropped to her knees, picking at the small yellow and red flowers growing about the forest ground. “It’s beautiful and endless. A place completely filled with thought and completely empty at the same time.”

Shepard twisted the flowers into a ring, adding more and more until the shape was sturdy enough not to bend.

“Do you think…” Irena sighed, watching Alexandra as she worked. “Do you think…my momma and daddy are still up there? Looking for me?”

“I don’t know…”

Irena sniffed, rubbing her nose with the back of her hand. Alexandra placed the ring of flowers atop Irena’s head.

“But…but space is…is a place that makes you think of home or what home really means to you. It reminds you every day that there is someone on the other side of the universe calling for you. Saying…hey…” She stopped, lowering her eyes. Her chest tightened, mind whirling. “Saying I love you.” She chuckled, biting her lip. “And even if they never come back…they will never stop loving you.” Irena blinked up at Alexandra, tears forming in her eyes. She sniffed again and collapsed against her, arms wrapping tightly about her shoulders. The little girl felt good in Alexandra’s arms. Their heartbeats melded together. She wondered what it would be like to have a kid of her own. She wondered what it would be like to have one with Kaidan; his eyes, her smile looking back at them.

“I knew that,” Irena whispered, shaking Alexandra from her thoughts. Lightning cracked above them again.

“Alright, let’s head back.”

Irena hopped back. “Okay.” Alexandra had to hand it to the girl. She recovered quickly. She blinked up at Irena, feeling the tears that refuged behind her eyes finally melt away. She stood; Irena ran, fast and determined. Alexandra sighed, jogging after.

They stopped at the door, rain pouring down.

“Everyone in. We don’t need anyone out in the storm with how quick the ground goes out in the rain,” Maya muttered, closing the door behind them.

Irena reached up at her head, the crown of flowers long gone from the run through the forest.

“Where is…we have to go back out! I have to get my crown.”

“Don’t worry,” Alexandra tried to calm the little girl. “I’ll make you another.”

Irena frowned, eyes filling with tears again. “But my crown…”


	11. 2.6

2.6  
Sleep settled like a warm veil across her even though she fought it. She waited for those nightmares to return like they had the past few weeks; to envelope her and weigh her down; to drown her—but they never came. They hovered around the edges of warmth like the wind on a window, howling. Instead of the trees, instead of the darkness there was only light. The room was nearly bare, a white couch against a white wall.

“Hey, Shepard” he cooed. A flicker of light and he was there: dressed in white, black hair slicked back but bumped in the same familiar way. His smile melted her soul, oozing through her spine. “You like to keep me waiting, don’t you?”

Alexandra opened her mouth and closed it again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…it’s good to see you…Kaidan.”

Kaidan chuckled, motioning to the couch. She followed his directions, sitting. He slid in beside her, a hand tracing against her shoulder as he sat. He was warm; he felt real. She sighed, feeling her breath shake through her body. “I’ve missed you,” he cooed.

“I’ve missed you too.” He moved around her, nose hovering against hers. He moved his lips across the apple of her cheek, pressing them against her skin as he moved to her mouth. She trembled under him. His hands moved down her shoulders, slipped across her hands, and settled on her hips.

Warm and welcoming, his lips found her. Lips parted; breath moved in a rhythm across her teeth.

“Alexandra…I need you…”

She hummed in response, vibrating against his lips.

“But…but she needs you more than me…”

Suddenly her lips went numb and her skin grew cold. Where he had been touching, caressing, turned to ice. “K-Kaidan?” she stuttered, rubbing her arms. “Kaidan!” she shouted. There was a loud crack, a snap of light across her vision.

 

Alexandra woke with a shudder, her body slick with sweat. She closed her shining blue eyes a moment as she recollected herself. She blinked about the room, empty and cold from the wind shuttering through the half opened window. She pulled herself out from under the thin covers, rearranged them as neatly as possible, and then, with clothes in hand, shuffled down the hall to the bathroom. Irena had pointed them out to her twice last night as she wiped a layer of dirt off her arms in a desperate attempt to make Alexandra actually clean up before going to bed, but she had been too tired to think of it at the time. Working in the orchard was a tough experience but nothing more than any Alliance soldier dealt with on a daily basis. It was good for her to be working again. It was good for her to move her muscles until they ached and work her fingers until they were numb from the crisp autumn air.

She clicked the door silently behind her, letting out her breath. The water wasn’t as warm as she had wanted it to be but it got the job done, washing away the remnants of that night’s dream. It had been better than her usual dreams. At least it had him, no matter how strange it was. She wriggled herself into her borrowed clothes, snapping buttons and straightening hems. She looked at herself in the mirror, her long damp hair leaving dark drops against the grey shirt. Pulling back the brown mess into a bun, she sighed and exited the bathroom.  
Lightning shook the house. The storms from the night before were still raging on. There was no way they were going to be able to go out and work today. She stumbled down the stairs, the kitchen and living room empty.

She settled into a seat as hurried footsteps moved throughout the house and down the stairs.

“Irena? Murry?” Maya stopped, her eyes frantically searching. “Have you seen them?”

Alexandra looked confused. “What do you mean?”

“They’re gone. They aren’t in bed.”

Alexandra stood, looking out the window. “Do you think they’re out there?”

“I don’t know but if they are…it’s not safe out there when it rains like this…the ground too soft, trees get uprooted…” Mrs. Alenko stopped, covering her mouth. “Do you think…why would they be out there?”

Shepard paused for a second, thinking. The image of Irena, smiling face with a ring of yellowed flowers atop her golden head, flashed before her eyes. “Shit. The flower crown. She went out looking for it.” That stubborn girl had ran out there looking for something that could easily be replaced, but with everything Irena had lost…she could see how that crown could hold such value.

“I’ll go find them,” Alexandra exclaimed, rushing for the door. She stepped out into the pouring rain, warm and soaking.

Maya wanted to tell Alexandra no, she knew it, but the older woman just paused, biting her lip before continuing. “Be careful.”

Alexandra moved through the orchard, calling out their names. Lightning snapped and thunder quaked around her. A tree near her tumbled over, uprooted from the lack of ground to keep it. The rain was bad. Too bad. She wasn’t used to something like this—a storm that could sweep in through the night and be pure devastation.

She moved forward, mud splashing up onto her legs and squishing into her shoes. “Irena!” she called helplessly again. In the distance she heard the girl wail, hollow and sad. She followed the sound, her heart jumping in her throat as she neared a turned over tree. Irena’s frame, small and shaking could barely be made out. “Irena?”

The girl looked up. Alexandra covered her mouth. Beneath Irena’s fingers was a still form, covered in mud and blood, crushed under the bulk of a tree. Irena looked back down, shoving the form under her hands. “Move. Move. It’s not funny. Move.” Her voice cracked and she wailed again.

“Irena?” Alexandra dropped down, slipping in the mud. “Murry…” Alexandra breathed, running a hand across the cold form. Irena pushed her away, shaking Murry harder and harder.

“Murry…Grandpa…move. I told you to move. You said you wouldn’t leave me.”

“Irena.”

“He told me he wouldn’t leave!” the little girl shouted. “Everyone else leaves but he wouldn’t leave!” She leveled her eyes with Alexandra, water droplets forming with her tears as they tumbled down. “It’s my fault, isn’t it? It’s all my fault.”

“Oh, honey…” Shepard leaned forward, scooping Irena up under her arms and pulling her away from Murry. “We need to get you inside.”

Irena cried against Alexandra’s shoulder, body slumping. Alexandra blinked, looking up at the sky, letting the rain continue to coat every inch of them, hoping that it’d wash everything away.


	12. 3.1

3.1  
Irena wouldn’t talk to her. She wouldn’t talk to anyone for days. She barely touched her breakfast. She wouldn’t leave the house. Alexandra helped Maya with the arrangements. Mrs. Alenko demanded that Murry Corban had a service even if the only person that would show up was herself.

She didn’t know much about either of them. Murry liked to tell stories but Irena would always wrinkle her nose at him and say none of it was true. And she never would know enough about them, him.

Settling at the kitchen table, Alexandra counted the amount of responses they had gotten from Alliance folk for the funeral. Maya had reached out, using any resources she could to find people who might have known Murry or worked with Irena’s parents. Alexandra smiled weakly at the names on the cards. It was a nice sentiment but it wouldn’t bring Murry back to Irena. The only family Irena had left from what Alexandra could see. The responses never included the rest of Murry’s grandchildren or children—no aunts or uncles of Irena. No one.

The floor creaked before her. Shepard looked up to see Irena, hands clasped before her, clutching at the hem of her shirt. She looked so small, standing there in the doorway, eyes puffy from crying.

Silence.

“Hi,” Alexandra ventured.

“Hi,” Irena returned.

Silence followed again, wrapping them in a chill.

“How are you feeling?”

Irena didn’t answer. She just shuffled forward, crawled into Shepard’s lap, and layed her head against her shoulder. She sniffed. “You aren’t going to leave me right?” she whispered.

Alexandra tried to swallow the lump in her throat, blinking away the tears forming in her eyes. She pressed her lips against Irena’s forehead. “I…” Could she promise she would never leave her? She had no place to go but at the same time…she wasn’t exactly the most reliable person. She swallowed, tongue thick and head swimming. She was on the verge of tears. “I would never.”

She couldn’t leave her alone now. They had to stick together. They had to. She knew what it was like to be a kid, lost and alone. She knew what it felt like to lose everything, twice. She wasn’t going to let Irena go through all of that utterly and completely alone. “You and me until the end, alright kid?”

Irena nodded against her shoulder, sniffing once again.


	13. 3.2

3.2  
It was a hot September morning. The second of the month and probably the hottest it had been all summer. The orchard glittered with bright green leaves and branches still heavy with apples. Alexandra stood, smiling at the passing people. She felt uncomfortable. The dress she borrowed a deep plum and the darkest thing they could find in the closet. It fit the situation and her form all too well but she was still uncomfortable. She didn’t like funerals. She barely could stand memorial services, itching from the thought of everything.

She recognized some faces: Alliance folk that she had passed once or twice; a young woman who had passed her room many a time when she had been detained so long ago; and Maya, face drawn as she moved about the crowd, thanking them for coming. It felt strange. Anyone who stopped to talk to her never mentioned Murry. They asked her about the war, about being a Spectre—if she was still one; they talked to her about rumors and dismissed them quickly when she frowned at them. She wanted to talk about Murry but never had the heart. She just watched Irena, over the shoulder of everyone she spoke to, and wondered if she’d be alright.  
A small man, wearing suit too big across his shoulders, approached her from across the room. Shepard glanced out the window at the shifting leaves as the wind twisted through the orchard and then back at the man as he stopped before her.

“Afternoon,” he mumbled, looking uncomfortable. He clung to a datapad, tapping his fingers against the plastic edge.

“Afternoon,” Alexandra returned. “Thanks for making it on such short notice."

He nodded. He paused a moment before thrusting the datapad towards her. “Here’s all the information. The process usually takes months but since you are well…who you are, many of the investigations were waived.”

“Really?” Alexandra blinked back at him in surprise.

“Yes.”

“But…” She didn’t want to question him. If she questioned him she might lose the chance but she still wasn’t sure herself. “How does being me have anything to do with raising a kid?”

He smiled; a smile so out of place on his face that Shepard was slightly taken aback. “In the end it really doesn’t…but it sure as hell gives that girl a chance.” He tilted his head towards Irena whose eyes traced the outline of people’s shoes as they walked by.

“Yeah,” she sighed, taking the datapad from the man. “Definitely want to give her the chance I never had.” She clicked through the information on the pad; preparing and finalizing information she never thought she’d ever worry about.

“For now you’ll be a temporary guardian until they can confirm the whereabouts of the rest of her family. Most of her relatives are unaccounted for but if any are found then—”

“Then they’ll be informed of the situation and they’ll be back for her.”

He sighed. “Unlikely…but…” Silence settled between them a moment. “But at least she’ll have you to take care of her. The war split up too many people and ruined too many things. You’re doing something good.”

The next time she’d see her crew, because she knew there would be a next time and soon, she’d be in charge of a seven year old girl.


	14. 4.1

4.1  
It was the third snow of the season, silently coating the ground in another layer of white fluff. Alexandra woke to a knock rattling up the stairs from the front door. She checked the clock: twenty minutes past seven, the morning before Christmas.

Standing, she looked over the lump that clung to her back as she slept. Irena lay curled up in a bundle of blankets, head tucked under a stuffed bunny. The little girl was hers (and most likely hers for the long haul) and she cherished every moment. Alexandra thought about her own childhood, how she didn’t have anyone to keep her safe. She had clung to people who used her and she didn’t realize it until it was too late. She was going to make sure Irena never felt that.

Another sharp knock at the door and the sounds of movement from the room across the hall echoed through the open door. Mrs. Alenko was beginning to arouse, waking to the same disruption. Alexandra slipped on her robe, one of the pieces of clothing she had purchased over the past few months. She was settling well into the domestication of the Alenko orchard and civilian clothes felt better than any uniform she’d worn.

Stumbling down the hall, she muttered a gentle word to Maya to go back to sleep, and worked her way down the stairs and to the door. She clicked the door open, yawning. Her eyes scanned up the visitor, taking in the boots, Alliance blues, and that smug smile.

“Sorry, I know it’s early but…”

Alexandra was suddenly very aware of her body. Her hair was a mess of brown curls about her shoulders, blue eyes gummy from sleep, and nose runny from the cold crisp air breezing through the open door. Her hand dropped from the door knob, pulled the front of her robe closed over the long sleep shirt, and twisted in the cotton fabric.

“Kaidan?” she whispered, blinking.

He smiled. “Hey, Shepard.”

Her eyes pricked with tears, mirroring the same joy in his.

“We got in last night and I couldn’t—”

She leapt forward, wrapping her arms around him, his warmth radiating through her. “Oh, God I’ve missed you,” she muttered into his neck. His chest rumbled under her with laughter. His arms slipped around her, holding her close.

“I’ve missed you, too.”

She couldn’t let go. If this was a dream she didn’t want to wake. The last thing she wanted was to blink and have him gone again.

“The relays were a quick fix,” he teased.

She snorted, feeling his hands slip to her waist. She took a half step back. “I bet.”

“Miss Alex?” Irena mumbled behind them. Alexandra spun in Kaidan’s arms. Rubbing her eyes, Irena stumbled forward. “Is Santa here early?”

Shepard wriggled free of Kaidan’s grasp, watching him out of the corner of her eye just in case. She moved to pick up Irena who settled heavily in Alexandra’s arms. “I’d like you to meet someone.” She looked back up at Kaidan. He raised an eyebrow warily, the smile on his face never fading. “Someone I love very much…”

Irena blinked. “Hi,” she said a little too loud.

“Hi,” Kaidan returned. Alexandra heart swelled in her chest, filling every inch of her with warmth. She couldn’t stop smiling, and she didn’t want to.


End file.
